Agape Christian Counselling, Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Home Articles Professional Services What Clients Say About Us Contact Us Site Map
Silent Divorce the Non-intimate Marriage
Your comments or questions on "Silent Divorce the
Non-intimate Marriage" are appreciated.
Among the many reasons and personalities that avoid intimacy and thereby set up silent divorce:
Emotional immaturity - we have not matured to the point of being ready for adult intimacy. We avoid intimacy becasue emotionally we are children. Children are not ready for the responsibility and the awe of adult intimacy.
Emotional woundedness - When parents and others fail, neglect or avoid bonding to the child, then the child's capacity for love is not awakened and nurtured. The spirit languishes. Without the capacity for adult loving intimacy in place at the emotional center - the spirit - love is no longer received, held on to or converted into growth in emotional maturity.
Flight from life - an avoidant personality with a high need for privacy, control of appearances and risk avoidance.
Super-responsible - so busy caring for others and keeping order that intimacy is avoided (John and Paula Sandford: Parental Inversion).
People Pleasing - our identity lost as we respond by doing what other's expect, being good, doing right, being nice (Performance Orientation).
Dominating Personality - often fearing vulerability or being a victim (again) we dominate and overpower everyone and grab control.
Deepening trust and loyalty issues - hypervigilant to possible threat, in deep need for total loyalty, we have the tendency to become isolated and paranoid.
There are many ways that one can limit the personal, the connection, the bonding, the love connection in a marriage or sexually active couple relationship and end up in a silent divorce.
Avoid eye contact in sexual contact perhaps by always having the light out.
Avoid the calming down together after sexual relations.
In conversation, avoid topics that are close and personally relevant.
Minimize connection by talking from distant rooms.
If in the same room sit out of contact at a great distance from the other.
Do not acknowledge or connect with the others feelings.
Do not ask the other for anything.
Dont tell them when you are in difficulty and need support.
Fear and the associated lack of trust is always with a high need to be in control. Where trust is low control is high. People that have basic trust do not have to control others. One does not feel secure until one achieves full control of close relationships. The more fear, the more insecurity the more one becomes very controlling of other people. And the more control the more love is destroyed. Love and control cannot exist together.
When love is destroyed, silent divorce ensues. Here are some to the ways control manifests in a relationship:
One method of control if to control appearances. Focus on the surface on looking good.
If one has control of finances, then avoid sharing these resources or information or input about them with your partner.
If one is good at developing relationships, then take the lead role in key relationships overpowering and excluding the other.
Do not include the other in key decisions (consult, talk or communicate).
Do not communicate about anything of relevance.
Just talk about other people, fiction, and other times not here, now and relevant.
There is a personality type that is associated with avoidance of risk. Such persons are basically in flight from life and use manipulation and control to consolidate this flight. Such people become very controlling in order to remove the risk of living. Maybe they are not good at 'self-soothing' - that is, they do not do a good job of controlling their own anxiety.
The 'life-avoidant' personality is a prime candidate for a silent divorce. Here is how life avoidance shows up in a relationship:
Focussed on nest-making (the comfortable womb-like cave) with soft weak colours (nothing bold) and windows with many curtains and sheers so as to be screened off from the world.
Avoidance of exposure, public display even nakedness with ones mate.
Avoid decisions, confrontations, new situations, creative challenges, travel.
Live a life at home, within the home, about the home and dont venture far away from home.
Unwilling to venture in cottage life, in intimate communication, and in work.
In Jesus parable about failure to risk (Matthew 25:24-30) the risk avoidant wicked, lazy servant ends up losing what they have. That worthless servant is thrown out into the darkness!
So, according to Jesus, it is inevitable that whoever buries his talent will lose what he thinks he has. Without trust (courage) there is no risk. Without risk, there is no growth. Without growth (movement forward), there is death!
How this happens:
When the avoidant partner avoids all personal communication, adult consultation, playful interaction and all correction or negative feedback, then the other partner will be lonely and vulnerable for communication intimacy.
When the avoidant partner minimizes all kissing, hugging, caressing and being affectionately physical together then both partner will end up touch starved.
When the genital sexual relationship does not develop into heart to heart bonding because of the avoidance of eye contact, stepping away from the afterglow period then a powerful opportunity to deepen the marital bond and feed and nurture one anothers spirits is missed.
When decisions are not shared together, requests are not made, discussion does not happen the life together must of necessity become life apart from one another.
Both of the partners begin to deaden within, the heart sickens, the spirit languishes, one lives with constant residual depression and a search for life outside of the marriage becomes as search for life, love at the emotional and spiritual level. One strongly hungers and thirsts for that which will lift one spirits, heal ones heart, rekindle ones passion and bring the experience of community and intimacy to ones soul.
By Gods design there is a powerful oneness created in sexual union, in cleaving to ones wife, in becoming one with her. But Jesus is right. After years of neglect (the burial of the possibility by the one ine flight from life) even that powerful God-given oneness does die.
People will differ in how they handle silent divorce, the weakening and finally the death of the marital bond. Once we recognize that what God puts together sometimes man pulls asunder, not just legally but by neglect, by avoidance, by head in the sand living, by burial of ones talent, then we are open to learn where people are at and how they are dealing with that reality.
Some couples are not motivated to destroy the appearance of marriage and so keep up the appearance of marriage that we call silent divorce. If you observe closely you may find that they also become more distant from God. Some couples make strong efforts to mend and restore their broken hearts and recreate a healthy marital bond. In some one, or both, partners will move on in the direction of life, love and communion with God.
© Silent divorce is by George Hartwell, all rights reserved, June 2006 George Hartwell M.Sc.
On my Blog HealMyLife.blogspot.com
On my web site: www.ex-harmony.com see what happens if we mess with God's plan for love, sex and marriage. What happens if we avoid close personal encounters that create the marriage bond or the love bond.